A man in his 50’s was rescued from his home, yesterday, when a fire started in his house in San Jose and engulfed the whole building in smoke.
According to the San Jose fire Captain, Rob Piper, the fire was reported around 3 p.m. at a single-story building on Annapolis Way when a fire started in the kitchen and spread to the attic. The fire fighters then proceeded inside the house and rescued a man who was lying unconscious, surrounded by flames, in the kitchen area. According to Piper the man, who has been identified as Robert Kent, suffered third-degree burns on 50 percent of his body. Currently Kent is listed as being in “grave condition” according to a nursing supervisor at Valley Medical Center in San Jose.
According to Captain Piper the cause of the fire is still under investigation but the fire department did discover that there was no smoke detector in the building when the incident occurred.
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You're heading in the right direction with this lead, but it's passive voice. Start out with "Firefighters rescued a San Jose man ..." and you solve that problem and you tighten up your lead.
ReplyDeleteA delayed ID lead is the right choice, but you need to identify Kent in P2.
* A man in his 50s (not 50's)
* firefighters (one word)
When I ask you to "tighten it up," here's what I mean: The fire fighters found the man lying in his kitchen, unconscious and surrounded by flames.
You've got the basics down pretty well, so now you need to focus on getting it "tight" as well as getting it "right."
17/20