An Alarming Event
*Voice Over format
Fire-fighters are known for putting out house fires, forest fires, car-fires, but you wouldn't expect them to put out birthday candle fires.
A women's group from the First United Methodist Church in Tulsa, Oklahoma were celebrating the 95th birthday of resident Mabel McCullough when they were unexpectedly interrupted by a group of firefighters who arrived at the house.
The firefighters, who were expecting to see smoke and fire at the house, arrived only to find 95 burnt out birthday candles. Apparently McCullough's birthday cake had exactly 95 birthday candles on it and upon blowing them out, with the help of her guests, the smoke triggered her fire alarm which mobilized the firefighters to come to the house.
The firefighters didn't stick around for cake but they did have their pictures taken with McCullough.
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You say you're using voice-over format, but this isn't it. It needs to be ALL CAPS ... and it needs to be written to be spoken and heard, not read.
ReplyDeleteSo review V-O format on page 185 of the text, rethink your lead, and use sentences that are shorter, more direct and more conversational. Read it out loud to yourself to make sure it works.
I see that you dropped the direct quotes, which is a good move -- otherwise, you'd have to set them up a sound bites. However, there is another option: you can paraphrase them. You might want to consider that.
6/10 - please revise