The football helmet was made to protect players from sustaining head trauma during games, but still a shockingly large amount of all high school football related injuries happen to the neck and head.
There are approximately 20,000 injuries in high school football each year. 12 percent of all victims become permanently disabled and 13 youths also died last year. A shocking 35 percent of all these injuries occur to the neck and head and many critics are blaming the helmet for this.
Pete Stenhoff, a junior at Chula Vista High School in Redmond, Calif., was one of these players who sustained such an injury. During a game in his senior year, he rammed his head into the ball carrier’s chest and effectively cracked his vertebrae in his spine. Stendhoff is now confined to a wheel chair for the rest of his life. Despite this though, he is not bitter.
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Wasn't sure if you wanted me to conclude the story in anyway but I did keep the first two paragraphs. Anyways I wasn't exactly sure what the nut graf and transition exactly was but I'm assuming right now that what I wrote is correct but let me know how it could be better if I didn't do it right.
~Wes
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Oops, you've got it upside-down.
ReplyDeleteIn a focus story, you start with the individual's story (Stenhoff's injury, in this case), and then move on to the broader issue (football injuries). Essentially, you use one person's story to illustrate and humanize a larger issue or trend.
10/20 - please revise
Please rewrite this story, starting with Stenhoff's story and then transitioning to the larger issue of football injuries in high school. Put "revised" in the headline so I'll spot it and regrade it.